I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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