finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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