I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
