There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
