We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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