I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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