I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
