I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
