What did we do last night that was yellow?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
