I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
