If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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