You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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