So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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