I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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