Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.