Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
This house was built for laser tag.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup