I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
