I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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