Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
