when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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