Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Randomize
