what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
