Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
