I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
