Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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