Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
