U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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