dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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