Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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