I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.