did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
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He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
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Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success