Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.