My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
