So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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