I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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