Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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