At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
not ubering you a puppy
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
