im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
