My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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