I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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