oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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