at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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