your thong is hanging out like whoa
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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