I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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