Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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