yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
