He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
