Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
