READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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