1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
