he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
