remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Randomize
