I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
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