I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
