I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
