she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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