After last night, I could never be a politician.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
